Sitting Out

Is dealing with cancer treatment like recovering from a running injury? I’ve had to take time off from running and missed races before. I trained for the Disney Marathon, got hurt and settled for quitting after crossing the mats at the half marathon point. I’ve had pneumonia and had to stop running for a couple of weeks. Right now, it looks like the total time I am restricted from running will be less than 6 weeks. I’m sure there are people that have missed just as much time due to an injury. I’m finding that my attitude this time is different than during other times I’ve been forced to take time off.

Previous injuries have felt like a pause in my sporting life. It was like playing a game and having to skip my turn to move forward. In the worst case, like missing my marathon, it was like having to move a couple of spaces back. I found missing out and having to wait frustrating. I was always trying to calculate when I would be able to run again and how I could catch up with my training. With this surgery, I feel like my game piece has been removed from the board. I’m not even in the game anymore;  I’m no longer part of the conversation.  While everyone else is finishing up their training for the race we planned to go to all together, I am relegated to being a spectator on the sidelines.

I was expecting to feel some anger and frustration about being out while everyone else was training. Surprisingly, I haven’t felt a lot of that. Having cancer is something that I have absolutely no control over. With an injury, I felt like there was something I could do to make it better faster or maybe to work around the problem. When someone removes parts of your body, it becomes quickly evident that there will be no working around anything. There is no pause, like a comma in a sentence. There is nothing but a period. I had cancer. Period. My body is healing. Period. It doesn’t matter if everyone else is running a marathon. This surgery is what I needed to do so that this cancer doesn’t come back. Period. Watching everyone else run the NY Marathon and listening to all of the stories afterwards will be hard. Watching my friends run ahead of me when I have to walk is hard.  Going into Victoria Secret to buy underwear when I have no boobs was hard. None of these things, though, is harder than what I’ve been through in the last month and a half. Period.

Thankful. I’m thankful that I’m outside walking again. I’ve been walking at least an hour each day and the fall weather has been glorious. I’ve had friends who have adjusted their lives and schedules to make time to walk with me when I’m sure they would rather be running or taking care of other things, and for that I am thankful. I’m enjoying listening to my book on my iPod. My dog is improving his fitness level even if I am not. I’ve made it back to the gym and was met by friendly faces. I won’t be doing push ups anytime soon, but I was able to stretch, I did some core exercises and I even snuck in some lunges and leg exercises. Don’t tell on me, please.

I’m hoping to get back in the game in a couple of weeks. When I do, I’m expecting to start at square one, not where I left off. I’m sure that I’ll feel some disappointment when it becomes quantifiable how much fitness I’ve lost. When running a couple miles is difficult, it’s going to be hard to take. I’m mentally preparing myself for that. I’m thinking about how that is going to feel and mentally coaching myself to deal with it when the time comes. Knowing that it’s coming and playing through it in my head helps me to prepare my heart for when it actually happens. Running still seems far away. When I catch myself feeling like my old self or I realize that I’ve gone for an hour without thinking about the surgery and everything that goes with it, I feel hopeful that I’ll eventually move on physically and mentally. I’m pain-free most of the time and pretty much back to my old activities except for lifting and running. Napping is a high priority. Thoughts of planning for next season have started to pop into my head. The Disney Half Marathon is still on my calendar!