I’ve been sitting in front of my computer for an hour now trying to crank out my post about the New York Marathon this past weekend. It’s just not happening. It should be easy enough because we had a fantastic weekend. We stayed in a lovely hotel right on Times Square that was right in the heart of the action but quiet and comfortable. We went to the expo and I scored a sweet wind-proof running beanie. We spent some time at the art museum, wandered through Central Park, and had a great time with friends that also made the trip. I got to run in Central Park on Saturday morning when all of the streets were already closed for the race and it seemed like every runner was out taking advantage of the glorious weather. Mike ran well and I even got to watch the finish from a VIP section of bleachers where I got to see up close and personal every runner’s expression of joy and pride as they crossed the finish line.
That’s an easy story to tell.
Except that it’s only 99% of the truth and the other 1% is embarrassing for me. Why can’t I just tell you 99% of the story and leave it at that? You won’t know that I left out that measly 1%. Right?
Here is the embarrassing 1% part of the story. I thought I could go and watch several friends and 45,000 strangers run the race that I had trained for and be thankful that I was healthy enough to make the trip. Don’t get me wrong- I am thankful. If I told you the story of how they found my cancer in a different language, you would probably think I was relating to you how I won the lottery and how happy I was about it. But yet, walking through the expo and watching the race, there was a small kernel inside me that was sad. Pissed. Damaged. And that is embarrassing. It’s embarrassing because I’m meeting women regularly that have been through radiation or chemo and have battled against the odds. Knowing how lucky I am to not face some of those challeges is humbling.
But still I felt a twinge of sadness.
That’s the whole story. We had a wonderful weekend with friends in one of the most amazing cities watching a spectacle of sport in glorious weather from the best seats on the course. And yet there were moments that I wasn’t the person I wanted to be. I’m glad the race is over. I’m excited that I’m running again. I’m ready to start training for the Disney Half Marathon and I’m starting to think about races for 2011. I’m also working on continuing my recovery, inside and out, and hoping that in the end I’ll be 100% proud to tell the story.
{ 11 comments }
The fact that you were pissed about missing the race and sad about it is a testament that you are passionate about running and about getting back out there – nothing embarassing about that!
Beth,
You are human. Emotions like you have gone through are normal. I think I can speak for most of us by saying we are so happy you are doing better and that there are bright days ahead of you. I will keep praying for you.
I can relate. It is hard. I think it is real hard to empathize as my cancer was not the same as I had a broken foot when I found out about mine and I was out of the races for that reason. If it helps, my empathy can come from everytime I think of my son and how his right hand was amputated in an accident. I would go to the Shriners and know how blessed I really was that that is the worse of my issues. I know the 1% sucks, but you have a wonderful husband, friends, a home and the ability to see that race. That makes you so well off compared to so many… and I know you cherish that… Carry on… I know your time is gonna come!
Of course there was that 1% and it is necessary. That 1% is what makes you human…why should you not feel sad or pissed. Yes, it could have been worst, but that doesn’t mean that it’s nothing…why expect to feel only gratitude…that seems a little unrealistic to me. There’s a huge difference between someone who whines and complains all the time over nothing and someone who goes out there, encourages her friends, and knows to appreciate that she can at least be there supporting, yet feels a twinge of disappointment inside. When I had this little itty bitty injury that prevented me from running for a few weeks, I felt 99% gratitude that it could be so much worse…but, I felt that 1% of disappointment that I couldn’t get out there. I’m human…we’re all human…and we shouldn’t feel guilty when we feel pain or disappointment. You are an amazing woman…and you’ve been remarkably strong throughout this ordeal…don’t be so hard on yourself. Cry if you need to…then hug your family and friends and smile again. Big hug (((())))
In my opinion there is a lot of difference betweening recovering and healing. The healing process takes much longer. If you are like me – your body has pretty much done what you wanted it to do your whole life. If you practice and train enough – it will respond. If you treat it like “crap” . . . well we know what happens . . . we feel like “crap”.
Being diagnosed with cancer is so different. Your body – for whatever reason – started growing cancer cells – not really foreign objects – these cells are yours . . . I remember thinking . . . what the hell was my body doing? I ate right – I exercised – I did things in moderation . . . and yet – there I was diagnoses with Stage IIIc imflamatory breast cancer.
I didn’t really spend much time thinking about “why me?” – I simply found the treatment plan and got working.
At 6 plus years out from my diagnosis – I am still working on healing . . . and probably will be my whole . . . hopefully long . . . life.
Enjoy!
Hang in there, Beth! I would imagine there was some sadness watching the NYC Marathon and wishing you were competing. But you are back running and have so many more races to look forward to! Continued success to you in your recovery, and all the best!
Of course you had some sadness about the race. I watched the race, and I thought of you. I was sad for you. I think that is OK. I am glad you are back to training. Take care!!!! Nothing at all to be embarassed about.
You’ll be there someday, and it will even more wonderful because of all you have been through this year.
I guess this is why you are a human being. Next time, you’ll be out there.
I am very glad that you are thinking about the Half and the running season. I like your attitude. Very soon you will also be at the start of the NYM, I am sure and I want to read that report!
Beth, I had no idea you had been diagnosed with cancer until I read your blog today. I am so sorry! I hope you are doing well. You are a strong and lovely woman – hang in there. xoxo
jenny moore
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